I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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