Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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