I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
