can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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