Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
