Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
