I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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