If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
