My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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