The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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