I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
