there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
