my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
