I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
They took my balls.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
