did you get engaged???
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
