I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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