I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
