I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
