I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
