I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
