a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
