you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
