I hate your face
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
