his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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