I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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