Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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