I just threw up on my dentist
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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