The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
