i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
