the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
