So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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