i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
