I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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