You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
