You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
