Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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