Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
