I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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