I skipped work to stalk him.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
