I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
