Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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