And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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