I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
