My first STD was from a foam party
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
