I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
