can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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