maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
