wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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