So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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