At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
