I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
