THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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