How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
