I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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