I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
