we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
