Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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