please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
