i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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