I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
